i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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