we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
