I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
