wat bout pragnant strippers??
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
