i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
