I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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