went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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