Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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