I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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