Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
