So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
