I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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