it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
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