I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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