I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
