meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
where are you?
Hypothermia
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
