I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
