i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
