Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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