can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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