but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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