I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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