Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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