I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
