NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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