I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
