my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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