if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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