got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
