I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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