she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
