Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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