He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
