and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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