I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
