I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
