I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
