I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
