I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
