why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
