Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
