It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
