Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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