This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
