I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
