I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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