I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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