your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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