I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
