he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
