I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
