Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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